When Big Greg and Big Country Slide Into Your DMs…

Apparently when a woman posts a video or photo in a bathing suit on a social media platform, it’s an invitation for Big Country to slide into your DMs and offer you a lifetime of Bengay back rubs and titillating conversation about hunting and the confederacy. Even if what you’re doing in said bathing suit is the most awkward and unflattering comedic intentioned post. 

I recently posted a parody video of what moms look like trying to get out of the damn pool.  You know what I’m talking about ladies.  It’s like we’re trying to escape from quicksand while the force of fuck-you-you’re-too-old-for-this-shit gravity shames you back into the water like a dead fish, at which point you mom-swim to the pool ladder conceding defeat. 

Well in my video I defeated the fuck-you gravity (thank you showbiz adrenaline), desperately pulled myself out of the pool, log rolled onto the concrete and proceeded to lay there like a corpse.  It was funny.  Or meant to be funny.    

Now, at the time of said post I had approximately 2 followers on Tik Tok, but after I posted this video, I woke up to over 14,000 views and 200+ new douche canoe Big Whatever followers.  Insert: Big Country and Big Greg (I’m not kidding - these are their actual handles) sliding into my comments and DMs like, “Be right there to save you” and “Damn, you look good in that suit.”  Wait, what? How did this post flip the switch (in Tik Tok speak) from targeting fellow moms to Big Rick purveyors?  GROSS.  I can promise you their profile pics live up to their handles, assuming you needed a visual.         

Yes, I know, my Tik Tok profile was public.  Insert Karen: “Well you asked for it.  Maybe next time you should consider a private Tikity Tok account.  Cool your jets Kar Bear.   No one asks for this unsolicited douche baggery.  I immediately made my Tik Tok account private to ward off additional suitors and took a knee.  After lamenting over the entire situation and pondering what life lesson I learned from it all, I realized that the only life lesson already known to me is that guys’ brains (many - not all) are actually just a mish mash of tiny little penises clumped together, firing messages from their peen holes to their mouth hole ordering it to do and say shit. 

So, a word of caution ladies.  Don’t post a picture of you in a bathing suit – or even a spaghetti strap tank top for that matter- unless you’re ready for Big Country to saddle up and offer to and ride you into the sunset.  I mean, you asked for it.